If I Pretended

Look at the way I smile.

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Greetings love ones !! I just cracked my neck and it sounded like a monster's burp. But it feels so damn good. But I shouldnt be feeling good. I have been a bitch. I have to stop doing this. Its the second time and if I dont stop, more people will get hurt. Using other people to ease away my own emptiness. I need people to talk to me, pamper me, care for me etc. constantly. But Im not doing the right way. Selfish bitch, yes, me. I need to put a stop to all this crap. Damn !! I lack of shoppings and camwhoring. I want new clothes, new pictures and most importantly a pole.

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I feel extra bored today. Or maybe its just the laziness. When my alarm rang this morning, I grunted. I brushed my teeth sitting down on th toilet bowl. I went to work without make up. My dress and bag dont match. Im lazy to top up my ez-link card. I feel like shit.

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Before i knock off last night, I was ranting to Bestie bout my cravings. Was craving spicy food lately. Then I was on my way to meet Mummy for dinner, still thinking bout what spicy food to eat then some wicked aunty standing in front me was holding on to a packet of curry. There comes the tingling feeling at the back of my tongue. Heee! So I decided to have Curry Vegetable Rice Set from Water Rise. Awesome. Finally, satisfied my craves. Yums!

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I wanna say that im in an awesome mood today. & just hope nobody's gonna ruin it. Fortunately, even if somebody's gonna ruin my day, I have the sweetest people in the world to cheer me up. People like my Bestie, gosh! I can never stop myself from smiling when she's around. Not just smiling, I practically laugh my ass off at her hilarious comments & urm .. stupid actions. We talked bout everything except for boyfs, we seldom talk bout it. Boys = spoil my mood. Yeaa, my Bestie's a retard piece of shit but I love her. Oh oh oh, she just won a laptop from some contest. I secretly hope she'll be wonderful enough to give me her old one. Hee!

Nowadays, all I wanted is to keep myself occupied. The busier the better. Not busy at work but busy with my own stuffs. Who'd want to be busy at work? Work's boring. We look forward to weekends, dont we? First of all, I wanna sell all my storybooks away, in order to stop Mummy from nagging and I need money to buy more books. Secondly, I need to get a new Henna cone which means that IM GOING TO ARAB STREET! I love ArabStreet. So many pretty pretty stuffs and cheap too! Okay lar, not VERY cheap lar. Some stalls also damn ex lor. So if you people wanna buy stuffs, check the other stalls, might be cheaper. I mean like its ARABSTREET. Every stall sell almost the same things what! Okay, so im going to get a new Henna cone there, I'll keep the old one for practice !! & lastly, I want to go for facial, I need facial. I Need Facial. I NEED FACIAL.

SATURDAY. I shall squeeze everything into Saturday. I swore to myself Im going to make every of my Saturdays a eventful one. My plan is, we shall skip swimming, breakfast, off to ArabStreet, get lunch/snacks, go for pole (Bestie gonna come with meee!) AND AND WE"LL (Bestie, Me, Mummy, AuntyDoris & NikkiBaby) BE GOING TO NIGHT SAFARI :DD Cant wait cant wait. My Saturday awesome enough?

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Remember when we said the place we're living in is too small for us?

And then we wanted green hills, big patch of grass and us with no tall buildings, no cars, no trains, no noise?

Just like the picture up there. You know that I miss you, dont you?

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Title : At loss.

Just as I thought everything will be okay .. it got worse. Well, people that are closed to me will know whats going at work and the reason why i'm leaving. & the reason i'm leaving is a family issue. Like you cant tell it to that person cause they are your family and if you spill the beans things would be awkward. Plus, I have to consider for the people around me. Then, I have this colleague of mine, she kinda know what happened & lately she's not very happy with me, dont know what I did also -.- SO! She went to tell me boss (my uncle) that im leaving because of some disturbing things have been bothering me. oh, and another reason im leaving is cause im heading for the books next year. Okay, then ... is like walao luh, if she isnt happy with me and wants me to leave and not be a threat to her that I might take over her, she can just tell my boss that im leaving cause im heading for the books and i'll be more than grateful to her. She went to tell him the reason, the reason that will cause awkwardness. CB can?! She still can tell me this .. "Im saying this to my boss at the risk of losing my job, and you know it clearly who im doing it for and anyway its none of my business." Fuck luh! I didnt ask her to help me tell my boss that im leaving pleasee! Say till like she sacrifice a lot for me and sine she say its none of her business, why she still go and tell my boss?! Fucking hell! Now, my boss is saying that I misunderstood him and will talk to me soon. Fuck, so awkward already how to talk! Damn!

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Woohooooo! tomorrow is Saturday. Will be heading down to Bestie's place first then off to Jalan Kayu for breakfast, PRATAS! Its been long since I had pratas, have been craving for them since god knows how longggg. And after breakfast, we'll go swimming, at the new-to-me Sengkang swimming pool, the one with the slide, if im not wrong. Never been there before. I promise I'll try to take pictures, and I'll post it if Bestie allows that, I pinky swear .. I know my blog's lacking of piccies and it looks so boring. No wonder nobody's reading. If you read my blog, tell me okayy, so that I'll have the motivation to blog!!

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Finally, I knew what happened & whats going on. This is a big big relieved for me. People, be nice & wish me goodnight tonight okay? Cause I can sleep in peace now (: Tonight's gonna be a good good night (: Somehow I wished I could freeze those moments.

Ive never blame you for anything

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On Tuesday, went swimming with my bestie, Siying. Swimming session was great. Didnt really swim luh, like what my Mummy said, we just go there jim chwee (soak in th water) only (: After an hour or so, we both decided that we're hungry which means we needed food lor. We bathe ourselves, strolled to Esso, and bought chicken pie and curry puff, best lor! While walking home, we promised each other not to tell my Mummy that we had pastry after swimming session cause Mummy would drfinitely screamed at us for wasting our effort. By the way, I dont know what I did, my shoulder is hurting, Im not sure whether its th bone or th muscles. Worried that I cant do pole on Saturday. Shit! For now, im at work, us usual doing my own stuffs. Im mind-mapping on certain things, to have a clearer view (: And th marker im using stinks like hell! But Ive got no choice cause when I do my work, I need colourful markers. Remember when I was still in school, I had lots of pens & markers in different colours. Cool ! Right right, enough of yaking, off to continue my mind-mapping.

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I cant concentrate. Damn! I tried but i cant. Im sorry.

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Title : heart-wrenching.

Hi, Mommy. I'm your baby. You don't know me yet, I'm only a few weeks old. You're going to find out about me soon, though, I promise. Let me tell you some things about me. My name is John, and I've got beautiful brown eyes and black hair. Well, I don't have it yet, but I will when I'm born. I'm going to be your only child, and you'll call me your one and only. I'm going to grow up without a daddy mostly, but we have each other. We'll help each other, and love each other. I want to be a doctor when I grow up.You found out about me today, Mommy! You were so excited, you couldn't wait to tell everyone. All you could do all day was smile, and life was perfect. You have a beautiful smile, Mommy. It will be the first face I will see in my life, and it will be the best thing I see in my life. I know it already.Today was the day you told Daddy. You were so excited to tell him about me! ...He wasn't happy, Mommy. He kind of got angry. I don't think that you noticed, but he did. He started to talk about something called wedlock, and money, and bills, and stuff I don't think I understand yet. You were still happy, though, so it was okay. Then he did something scary, Mommy. He hit you. I could feel you fall backward, and your hands flying up to protect me. I was okay... but I was very sad for you. You were crying then, Mommy. That's a sound I don't like. It doesn't make me feel good. It made me cry, too. He said sorry after, and he hugged you again. You forgave him, Mommy, but I'm not sure if I do. It wasn't right. You say he loves you... why would he hurt you? I don't like it, Mommy.Finally, you can see me! Your stomach is a little bit bigger, and you're so proud of me! You went out with your mommy to buy new clothes, and you were so so so happy. You sing to me, too. You have the most beautiful voice in the whole wide world. When you sing is when I'm happiest. And you talk to me, and I feel safe. So safe. You just wait and see, Mommy. When I am born I will be perfect just for you. I will make you proud, and I will love you with all of my heart.I can move my hands and feet now, Mommy. I do it because you put your hands on your belly to feel me, and I giggle. You giggle, too. I love you, Mommy.Daddy came to see you today, Mommy. I got really scared. He was acting funny and he wasn't talking right. He said he didn't want you. I don't know why, but that's what he said. And he hit you again. I got angry, Mommy. When I grow up I promise I won't let you get hurt! I promise to protect you. Daddy is bad. I don't care if you think that he is a good person, I think he's bad. But he hit you, and he said he didn't want us. He doesn't like me. Why doesn't he like me, Mommy?You didn't talk to me tonight, Mommy. Is everything okay?It's been three days since you saw Daddy. You haven't talked to me or touched me or anything since that. Don't you still love me, Mommy? I still love you. I think you feel sad. The only time I feel you is when you sleep. You sleep funny, kind of curled up on your side. And you hug me with your arms, and I feel safe and warm again. Why don't you do that when you're awake, any more?I'm 21 weeks old today, Mommy. Aren't you proud of me? We're going somewhere today, and it's somewhere new. I'm excited. It looks like a hospital, too. I want to be a doctor when I grow up, Mommy. Did I tell you that? I hope you're as excited as I am. I can't wait....Mommy, I'm getting scared. Your heart is still beating, but I don't know what you are thinking. The doctor is talking to you. I think something's going to happen soon. I'm really, really, really scared, Mommy. Please tell me you love me. Then I will feel safe again. I love you!Mommy, what are they doing to me!? It hurts! Please make them stop! It feels bad! Please, Mommy, please please help me! Make them stop!Don't worry Mommy, I'm safe. I'm in heaven with the angels now. They told me what you did, and they said it's called an abortion.Why, Mommy? Why did you do it? Don't you love me any more? Why did you get rid of me? I'm really, really, really sorry if I did something wrong, Mommy. I love you, Mommy! I love you with all of my heart. Why don't you love me? What did I do to deserve what they did to me? I want to live, Mommy! Please! It really, really hurts to see you not care about me, and not talk to me. Didn't I love you enough? Please say you'll keep me, Mommy! I want to live smile and watch the clouds and see your face and grow up and be a doctor. I don't want to be here, I want you to love me again! I'm really really really sorry if I did something wrong. I love you!I love you, Mommy.Every abortion is just…One more heart that was stopped.Two more eyes that will never see.Two more hands that will never touch.Two more legs that will never run.One more mouth that will never speak.

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Ya ya ya. Everything also your brothers your brothers. I only have one precious day to get off work. & I wanted to spent that very precious day with you. Go swimming then sit around and talk like there's no tmr. Whats so difficult. You meet your brothers every single day. You meet me once a week pleaseee! I know I should be understanding that your brothers come first. But cant you make an exception for. Just once?! & all I do is sacrifice my time, my sleep and everything for you! You cant even spare a few hours for me lor. PEOPLE GIVE THIS JERK A ROUND OF APPLAUSE AND ME TOO, FOR BEING SUCH AN IDIOT! You think Im like you schooling people? Fancy enjoying school holidays? & have all th time to yourself?! I cant! Im a seventeen year old girl and I dont have time to myself! Cause I dropped out of school and im fucking hell working! Every single holiday is time for me to sleep, eat and watch tv! Not to drag myself all the way just to meet you for an miserable one hour or two! But just for you, I did everything! Nothing beats you! NOTHING. If I get my ass out of the house, I want to hang out as late as possible. The reasons why Im going crazy bout all this stupid issues cause I feel like you're treating me like thrash! Whats the use of keeping my cool trying not to get angry you? But I bet you didnt even realised it. You said you wanted to sleep i said okay when I used to bug you, pestering you to talk to me. You took for granted, you took me for granted. You took granted of my easy come easy go temper. You know I cant stay mad at you for long & you took granted of that.

Profile

I dont have porcelain skin. I dont have the perfect figure. Im just another girl who cry herself to sleep at night, who gets butterflies in her stomach when her lover says 'Hi, Beautiful' Just another girl.

Choices

I choose to live the second phase of my life as a pole-addict.